I pray almost everyday for God to give me patience, grace, love, etc. for other people. But, the person I often forget to pray this over is myself.
As I sometimes zone out and remember random points in my life, I recognize a hateful, abusive pattern that I have towards myself. One that is constantly destructive and overwhelming.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night in a very emotional, depression drenched state and I said to him, "What if all this time I've been the monster?"
He answered me in the way I least expected him to; he said, "It's possible, maybe it's time to face yourself."
At the time I was irritated and wondered how he could confirm such as awful thing!
But, then I realized how right he was.
I remembered how in the movie/book Insurgent (the second book in the Divergent series), Tris' final challenge in the simulations to open the box is to face herself. She held onto the guilt she felt for killing her friend, she belittled herself for it. She convinced herself that she wasn't worth anything. She had to face the root of every fear, insecurity, and guilt she had ever felt-her very own self.
I know how she felt holding onto a guilt as if it would be wrong to let it go. I saw myself in the character of Tris Prior.
Not the part of her that made it through Dauntless and became this mighty over comer that everyone wanted to be. No, I connected with the little girl that tried so hard to stay brave and untouched by everything around her, but inside just broke more all the time.
We all struggle with ourselves and where we fit in all of this messy world. Often times I feel as if my mind is like that broken, bleak dystopian world and I'm just trying to find my place in it.
I'm trying to find peace in the middle of chaos and safety among wolves.
I fear being factionless in my own mind.
It's scary when you can't even find love and acceptance from yourself. How can we find that anywhere else if it's nowhere to be seen from the person we're closest to (us)?
Thank goodness we have such a warrior of a God!
Many times through the day, I feel and hear God fighting and counteracting the lies I tell myself. He's here in my mind and spirit fully clothed in armor and ready to defend what's His before I even know I'll need to sound the distress call! He is the wonderful, perfect mediator between me and myself. But the most amazing thing to me about it all is that He sees the monsters in me just as well as the ones outside. And instead of throwing me aside saying, "Oh, you're defective! I can't use you!"
He holds me and says, "Come here, precious child! I have a place for you!"
Those monsters inside us don't affect God's plan for us! But they do affect how we embrace or carry out His plan. We can't let our own selves cripple us. If we think about it, that is often the very thing that does.
I've been doing some things to help myself out in those battles and if any of them sound cool or good to you, take it! Use it!
1) When I do hear those encouraging words from God, I write them on sticky notes or bright paper and tape them everywhere! On my mirrors, walls, desk, the ceiling over my bed.....anywhere I'll see them. I read them whether I mean to or not because they're in my face. lol
2) When I become abusive to myself verbally, I yell with myself out loud if I'm alone. I know, it sounds crazy, but it's like with anyone else-arguing can help get stuff out and healing started. (this one doesn't happen very often since I live in a dorm)
3) I make coffee in my favorite cup and read anywhere in the Bible. I literally just open it and force myself to read from there no matter where it's at.
4) I walk with Needtobreathe pandora radio on. I don't allow myself to skip songs.
This next one is super important...at least to me.
5) When I need to cry, I let myself cry. Even if it's over a "stupid" reason.
6) Find a "counter partner or buddy". It's almost like a traveling buddy, but with quite a different journey and destination. This is a person who you can verbalize all the self-hate and verbal abuse to and they'll speak truth into you. They'll let you get it out, but they won't let you dwell in it or let it stick. They help counteract the venom with encouragement.
Giving yourself patience, grace, love, etc. is important and essential.
So is acknowledging that sometimes that monster you're fighting is yourself and where those ugly words are coming from. (Not God!)
Also, remember who is bigger and stronger! (Jesus!)
One of the girls...
Taylyr
